broken.

its been a week. HOW has it only been one fucking week?

remorse. pain. regret. sorrow. shame. i apparently show none. i've always been just like my dad in the sense that i don't really ever show my complete hundred percent of what i'm feeling. opening up to anyone about things takes so much out of me. i literally can't handle this. i can still find reasons to keep living, but its getting harder everyday to fake that smile, hold back tears, and pretend that you're words aren't killing me every second of every day. its getting harder to find a reason to get out of bed and go thru another listless day.
yes. i messed up. big time. i know.
why is it that you're so incredibly clueless though to the fact that i am sorry? that i do know there have to be consequences, but honestly, what do you think you're accomplishing by thinking my tears arent fucking real? i dont cry in front of people unless i absolutely can no longer keep it in to save my life.
i know i'm a dissappointment, but i always have been. so why are you acting like its something new? you say i'm not...well then prove me wrong. what have i ever done that you've been happy about? *silence.*
i love my dad. so much. thats why it hurts me more than anything when he has a hard time even LOOKING at me. ive never really had a close relationship where i've been able to talk to him about things in my life because we're both so closed in our emotions. we're both so much alike though. which is why this kills us both.
i want it to go away. i don't want him to have to worry about me.
i want my sister to speak to me again. i need to know that she still loves me. i need to know that i'm still the world to her, and not just another person she wasted too much of her life on.
i need...to start over...
i just wish i knew how.

so lets give it up for the new year.

2007 - it wasn't a very good year. sure it has its amazing moments, but overall it wasnt that significant. i think i remember sitting there as it was almost 2008 saying how the year could have been completely skipped over and not a whole lot would really be missed. and what we did miss we'd be better off without. lost friends. some lost love. others lost other things. not a good year, but we didnt know what we were in for.

2008 - it started horribly. making a depressing playlist of why 2007 simply sucked. little did we know things would only get worse. we all learned first hand how fragile a life is. how you can blink your eyes and the world can change. we dated assholes, we took chances, some of us had our hearts officially broken. it was a rollercoaster of a year. we changed. we grew up. drifted and came back to each other. drifted again. its still happening. no ones all that close to anyone and its hard to know who to trust or what we're doing here. 2008 was a year of disillusionment for alot of people i know. it was a year for love. a year for change. a year for fighting. a year for taking chances. a year for grief. and a year for reality to take charge. while it wasn't the best year, it couldnt have been skipped like a large part of 2007 could have been. it was one of the hardest years ive had. i grew up, i changed, and im still changing.

its 2009. and im a new person. some people like it, some don't. but this year, i've made it my resolution to be okay with that. i am me. and im trying to accept it. i've always made mistakes, this year i'm going to embrace them. take them. grow from them. and anything that hurts me or tears me apart, i'll just be glad it didn't kill me. i want to risk, and i want to feel things i've never felt before. im letting my guard down. im being real. im sick of the past. i started living it up towards the end half of 08 and i've been way happier. 2009 has to be good. im forcing it to be.

or not. we'll see.