messy cars

"i don't like messy cars" a sort of inside joke or code saying that translates to hating boy/relationship problems.

talking about it, ive realized how much the way someone's car is can reflect certain things. talking in metaphores about my current situation i discussed how i hated messy cars. how i needed to clean it out but inevitably it would be in the messiest way imaginable. i can't really put it off tho. its not often i have the passenger even near my car...and when i do theres often other passengers. so next time, whenever that is, i'll have to just pull over.

my car tends to stay relatively the same. i've got some random stuff in there, insence, a fred meyer basket, my corde for plugging in, and usually some school shit. its little and takes a while to warm up. it has a very basic sound system, no cd player or anything. just a radio i plug my ipod into. nothing that fancy or complicated. at first maybe, but once you get used to it, fairly basic.

his car however, is constantly changing. one day the back seats are taken out and theres practically a living room back there. complete with a pean bag even! then the next day everything is restored to normal but with things thrown around everywhere. things get lost frequently and you have to basically tear apart the car to find whatever it is youre looking for. sometimes he'll give anyone and everyone a ride, fitting over 10 people in there. other times it will only fit 4 or 5.

if i were driving right now, its kind of like a blind spot. i KNOW the car is there. its VERY there. i can hear it, it bothers me, i need in the other lane but its blocking me off. i know to watch out for it, the driver seems to be having difficulties knowing which lane to be in, where to turn at. but i can't really see the driver of the other car. i might see parts of it. but not much...its in a blindspot. i hate blindspots, so now that the car infront of me that was holding me back has finally made a turn and is out of my way, im going to change lanes, to speed up, so that i can get away from this other car that is only half there. stressing me out. making me uncomfortable for reasons i can not put an exact finger on.

idk where this road will go. or how clean or messy my car is about to get. i need to try to clean it. but what if as im cleaning it, or while im changing lanes or speeding up, what if his car crashes into mine. then my car has become an even bigger mess. i know this is a possibility, its likely actually. but for now, its only getting messier. and ice fog is setting in making it even more difficult to continue driving in the conditions that i am. all i need is another airbag to not go off and who knows. guess we'll find out. cuz im downtown surrounded by crazy drunks on a one way street. i've decided which way to turn, and now i've pretty much gotta go with it until i find the street going the one way i want it to.

three.

i didnt ask your opinion. i didnt ask yours either. or yours for that matter.
i didnt want it. you dont even directly give it to me. just hint at how much you disapprove of everything as if its really going to change. i wish you guys would just give it up. im well aware of your views and what you think. that doesnt mean i have to change mine. and it doesnt mean you have to get all bent out of shape when i dont PRETEND to agree. what would be the point in that honestly?

pretending to agree with you? it wouldnt accomplish anything. it would only piss you off more in the long run. so stop. im sick of it. all i've done, is tell you how it is. without sugar coating. i havent made you any promises cuz i can't guarentee i'd be able to keep them. i haven't prolonged just telling you how it is because then you'd be mad i decieved you. i realize theres not really ever a way for you to approve of me or agree with anything i stand for, so why can't you? just accept it, move on. i promise you'll be happier, or at least dissappointed in me less often, if you stop trying to change everything.

for once, i've actually been fairly happy this year. just let it be.