so. this year...senior year. my last year in fairbanks. i always knew it would come sooner than planned, but lately, its hitting me, in just a little more than 9 months i'll be moving. i knew this year would change things. i knew this year would have its ups and its down. and this year, i anticipated several changes.
first week of school me and lavina were sitting on the trunk of my car talking about this year. about how it had to be great. about how we had to do something epically stupid while we were still "young and stupid high schoolers" she made the prediction that it would be the year of surprises.
so far...it really is. that sunny evening in what..august? i never thought things would be where they were now. i remember that moment. it was like 7..and we were still in the parking lot!
things were so optimistic then. i never would have guessed that in a month my car would be totalled, and the next month my dog would be put down. ok, so i kind of totally saw the ginger thing coming. but what i didnt see coming..was how much its affecting my dad. some of you know...he's kind of totally lost it. hes going crazy.
theres other things that qualify as surprises as well. my group of friends this year...needless to say, its kind of changed. the only people i've stayed really close to from previous years are emily and lavina. (i cant imagine life w/o you guys.) other than that tho, nothing is quite the same.
another surprise...since when is art and photography not my life?! this year..i just completely lost inspiration. it isnt what it used to be. and i have yet to figure out why. but for some reason it no longer comes naturally but actually requires way more work than it used to and frankly, has become more stressful than enjoyable. it used to calm me down. now its become a source of things to stress over.
i knew i wouldnt see things coming this year. i just didnt know it would be this type of thing that would change so much. idk why i thought i could predict the surprises. seems silly to think about it like that. but in the end...thats basically what it was. i wanted and anticipated surprises, however i wanted to surprise myself rather than having life surprise me. who knows tho. this year really has been a constant of just taking it a day at a time. so far it seems to be working. i've been fairly content all year. despite a few things obviously. but really...i've just gotten really bad at caring about alot of things...
its funny. cuz that used to be exactly what i wanted. i thought it would be so much easier to not care. to not have all these goals and ambitions to live up to. to just...be completely chill with whatever was happening. one thing i found out however, is not really caring, and not having those goals and ambitions, just seems to leave me lost and unsure of myself. not really sure where im going and consequently just going along with basically anything or everything. i can't figure out if i like this newer me i'm discovering or creating. not sure which word fits it best. either way, i suppose with time, i'll be forced to figure it out.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
don't look away.
"Have you ever looked at your car window when it was raining and pitch black outside and all the little rain drops are just sitting there. and it looks like a million little stars, right on your window.and it feels like if you look away you'll never see it again and like the world will come to an end, just because you looked away..." - Shannon.
i have. at a constant lately. i feel like i can't look away, because if i do, something else will change or dissappear entirely. and in that split second i look away, i'll miss something huge. things are changing at rapid speeds lately. and as i said before, i'm just watching it, helplessly enjoying the show. maybe the reason i'm not doing anything about it is because i'm afraid in doing something, i'll look away. and im scared to look away. i always have been. i used to try to keep one eye on things while doing something. but now,...my eyes are just glued to the screen, watching the show, i'm in a trance. day to day doing the same thing, not nessicarily stuck on repeat, but not moving forward either. i'm at a standstill. a standstill in which no matter how hard i try to convince myself, i can't bring myself to care about anything i used to. once again, back to that familiar dissallusionment. i was finally out of it. finally doing great...when someone else decided to walk out. over something stupid. i say i dont care. i say it doesnt get to me. i say they're just stupid. i only partially believe it. i do think their stupid. but i do care. and it does get to me....only i don't know what to do this time. i've never been in this situation before. its all new. a turning point. and no one in the audience, not even me, the writer to my script in my show, has any idea as to what's coming next.
i have. at a constant lately. i feel like i can't look away, because if i do, something else will change or dissappear entirely. and in that split second i look away, i'll miss something huge. things are changing at rapid speeds lately. and as i said before, i'm just watching it, helplessly enjoying the show. maybe the reason i'm not doing anything about it is because i'm afraid in doing something, i'll look away. and im scared to look away. i always have been. i used to try to keep one eye on things while doing something. but now,...my eyes are just glued to the screen, watching the show, i'm in a trance. day to day doing the same thing, not nessicarily stuck on repeat, but not moving forward either. i'm at a standstill. a standstill in which no matter how hard i try to convince myself, i can't bring myself to care about anything i used to. once again, back to that familiar dissallusionment. i was finally out of it. finally doing great...when someone else decided to walk out. over something stupid. i say i dont care. i say it doesnt get to me. i say they're just stupid. i only partially believe it. i do think their stupid. but i do care. and it does get to me....only i don't know what to do this time. i've never been in this situation before. its all new. a turning point. and no one in the audience, not even me, the writer to my script in my show, has any idea as to what's coming next.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
the show
"life is a maze and love is the riddle." lenka. you guys may or may not have heard me talk about some of her songs being the story of my life.
lately i really do feel like im in a show. like its just a maze im trying to make my way through. life has pretty much come down to one curve ball after another so to speak. while i'm completely confident everyone is incredibly sick of hearing about it, ever since the car accident...things just keep getting worse. the accident was bad....but what keeps coming next is worse every time. at the same time though, i almost feel like i have absolutely no right to talk about anything thats bothering me..for a few reason. one being because theres alot of people who have WAY more shit to deal with than i do so i feel stupid letting certain things get to me. i feel like i havent earned the privelage to complain about life being one bullshit event to another. at the same time i also am not even entirely sure what i would talk about if someone were to ask me everything thats going on. where would i begin?
i can't even keep track of my life lately it seems. im used to this feeling, trust me, i've learned helplessness all too well. the fact that i've given up so much lately is what bothers me. it bothers me that it doesnt bother me. i've just kind of stopped caring. i recognize myself going in this downward sprial that i know will eventually catch up with me. but right now...im not too concerned. once again like im watching a show. i see me being stupid but its like i dont feel like its really my life, like its really me...and i figure it'll be ok in the end. its like im a character in my own show. i watch it happening..but am under the impression there isnt really a whole lot i can do about it. i know that any day now, the point in the show will come that i decide i want my money back. but its too late. i already bought my ticket and watched half of it...and unfortunately tho show of life doesnt guarentee satisfaction. if anything i've learned it guarentees dissappointment, pain, and dissallusionment.
even in writing this i dont know where im going. of the people i used to tell my life to, only one or two of them are really there anymore. only one has been there and stuck around the ENTIRE TIME. im usually okay with this..but the fact that now, not only am i losing touch, but it doesnt seem im all that good at meeting back up. that was the one thing i used to be semi-good at. i'm horrible at keeping in touch. but i always went back and caught up. this year...im different. i dont have the friends i usually would. i keep finding myself in weird combinations of people that honestly, somehow always ends really awesome which i think is why me losing touch with so many other things in life hasnt been quite as depressing this time around. i've simply given up on trying to make things ideal and how i'd like them to be. seems to be working somehow.
which back to my original thought, is exactly what bothers me. i've changed this year...alot. my passions aren't anything anymore. i dont fight for people. i just get mad and then laugh it off saying they're stupid or whatever. we laugh because it hurts. theres other things..but mainly..i want them back. art and photography used to be my life outside of like..friends and whatnot. it was my escape. my passion in life. if no one was there to talk to and i had time...i could escape by going out and taking pictures or drawing something weird that somehow said how i was feeling. now i've lost that completely. art and photo...arent anything anymore. they used to be all i wanted to do for the rest of my life, which i knew wasnt a good plan. but the point is that now, i wouldnt WANT to if i HAD to.
i've simply lost inspiration...
in more than one way...
hope it comes back to me someday.
lately i really do feel like im in a show. like its just a maze im trying to make my way through. life has pretty much come down to one curve ball after another so to speak. while i'm completely confident everyone is incredibly sick of hearing about it, ever since the car accident...things just keep getting worse. the accident was bad....but what keeps coming next is worse every time. at the same time though, i almost feel like i have absolutely no right to talk about anything thats bothering me..for a few reason. one being because theres alot of people who have WAY more shit to deal with than i do so i feel stupid letting certain things get to me. i feel like i havent earned the privelage to complain about life being one bullshit event to another. at the same time i also am not even entirely sure what i would talk about if someone were to ask me everything thats going on. where would i begin?
i can't even keep track of my life lately it seems. im used to this feeling, trust me, i've learned helplessness all too well. the fact that i've given up so much lately is what bothers me. it bothers me that it doesnt bother me. i've just kind of stopped caring. i recognize myself going in this downward sprial that i know will eventually catch up with me. but right now...im not too concerned. once again like im watching a show. i see me being stupid but its like i dont feel like its really my life, like its really me...and i figure it'll be ok in the end. its like im a character in my own show. i watch it happening..but am under the impression there isnt really a whole lot i can do about it. i know that any day now, the point in the show will come that i decide i want my money back. but its too late. i already bought my ticket and watched half of it...and unfortunately tho show of life doesnt guarentee satisfaction. if anything i've learned it guarentees dissappointment, pain, and dissallusionment.
even in writing this i dont know where im going. of the people i used to tell my life to, only one or two of them are really there anymore. only one has been there and stuck around the ENTIRE TIME. im usually okay with this..but the fact that now, not only am i losing touch, but it doesnt seem im all that good at meeting back up. that was the one thing i used to be semi-good at. i'm horrible at keeping in touch. but i always went back and caught up. this year...im different. i dont have the friends i usually would. i keep finding myself in weird combinations of people that honestly, somehow always ends really awesome which i think is why me losing touch with so many other things in life hasnt been quite as depressing this time around. i've simply given up on trying to make things ideal and how i'd like them to be. seems to be working somehow.
which back to my original thought, is exactly what bothers me. i've changed this year...alot. my passions aren't anything anymore. i dont fight for people. i just get mad and then laugh it off saying they're stupid or whatever. we laugh because it hurts. theres other things..but mainly..i want them back. art and photography used to be my life outside of like..friends and whatnot. it was my escape. my passion in life. if no one was there to talk to and i had time...i could escape by going out and taking pictures or drawing something weird that somehow said how i was feeling. now i've lost that completely. art and photo...arent anything anymore. they used to be all i wanted to do for the rest of my life, which i knew wasnt a good plan. but the point is that now, i wouldnt WANT to if i HAD to.
i've simply lost inspiration...
in more than one way...
hope it comes back to me someday.
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