the show

"life is a maze and love is the riddle." lenka. you guys may or may not have heard me talk about some of her songs being the story of my life.
lately i really do feel like im in a show. like its just a maze im trying to make my way through. life has pretty much come down to one curve ball after another so to speak. while i'm completely confident everyone is incredibly sick of hearing about it, ever since the car accident...things just keep getting worse. the accident was bad....but what keeps coming next is worse every time. at the same time though, i almost feel like i have absolutely no right to talk about anything thats bothering me..for a few reason. one being because theres alot of people who have WAY more shit to deal with than i do so i feel stupid letting certain things get to me. i feel like i havent earned the privelage to complain about life being one bullshit event to another. at the same time i also am not even entirely sure what i would talk about if someone were to ask me everything thats going on. where would i begin?
i can't even keep track of my life lately it seems. im used to this feeling, trust me, i've learned helplessness all too well. the fact that i've given up so much lately is what bothers me. it bothers me that it doesnt bother me. i've just kind of stopped caring. i recognize myself going in this downward sprial that i know will eventually catch up with me. but right now...im not too concerned. once again like im watching a show. i see me being stupid but its like i dont feel like its really my life, like its really me...and i figure it'll be ok in the end. its like im a character in my own show. i watch it happening..but am under the impression there isnt really a whole lot i can do about it. i know that any day now, the point in the show will come that i decide i want my money back. but its too late. i already bought my ticket and watched half of it...and unfortunately tho show of life doesnt guarentee satisfaction. if anything i've learned it guarentees dissappointment, pain, and dissallusionment.
even in writing this i dont know where im going. of the people i used to tell my life to, only one or two of them are really there anymore. only one has been there and stuck around the ENTIRE TIME. im usually okay with this..but the fact that now, not only am i losing touch, but it doesnt seem im all that good at meeting back up. that was the one thing i used to be semi-good at. i'm horrible at keeping in touch. but i always went back and caught up. this year...im different. i dont have the friends i usually would. i keep finding myself in weird combinations of people that honestly, somehow always ends really awesome which i think is why me losing touch with so many other things in life hasnt been quite as depressing this time around. i've simply given up on trying to make things ideal and how i'd like them to be. seems to be working somehow.

which back to my original thought, is exactly what bothers me. i've changed this year...alot. my passions aren't anything anymore. i dont fight for people. i just get mad and then laugh it off saying they're stupid or whatever. we laugh because it hurts. theres other things..but mainly..i want them back. art and photography used to be my life outside of like..friends and whatnot. it was my escape. my passion in life. if no one was there to talk to and i had time...i could escape by going out and taking pictures or drawing something weird that somehow said how i was feeling. now i've lost that completely. art and photo...arent anything anymore. they used to be all i wanted to do for the rest of my life, which i knew wasnt a good plan. but the point is that now, i wouldnt WANT to if i HAD to.

i've simply lost inspiration...
in more than one way...
hope it comes back to me someday.