surprise!

so. this year...senior year. my last year in fairbanks. i always knew it would come sooner than planned, but lately, its hitting me, in just a little more than 9 months i'll be moving. i knew this year would change things. i knew this year would have its ups and its down. and this year, i anticipated several changes.
first week of school me and lavina were sitting on the trunk of my car talking about this year. about how it had to be great. about how we had to do something epically stupid while we were still "young and stupid high schoolers" she made the prediction that it would be the year of surprises.
so far...it really is. that sunny evening in what..august? i never thought things would be where they were now. i remember that moment. it was like 7..and we were still in the parking lot!
things were so optimistic then. i never would have guessed that in a month my car would be totalled, and the next month my dog would be put down. ok, so i kind of totally saw the ginger thing coming. but what i didnt see coming..was how much its affecting my dad. some of you know...he's kind of totally lost it. hes going crazy.
theres other things that qualify as surprises as well. my group of friends this year...needless to say, its kind of changed. the only people i've stayed really close to from previous years are emily and lavina. (i cant imagine life w/o you guys.) other than that tho, nothing is quite the same.
another surprise...since when is art and photography not my life?! this year..i just completely lost inspiration. it isnt what it used to be. and i have yet to figure out why. but for some reason it no longer comes naturally but actually requires way more work than it used to and frankly, has become more stressful than enjoyable. it used to calm me down. now its become a source of things to stress over.
i knew i wouldnt see things coming this year. i just didnt know it would be this type of thing that would change so much. idk why i thought i could predict the surprises. seems silly to think about it like that. but in the end...thats basically what it was. i wanted and anticipated surprises, however i wanted to surprise myself rather than having life surprise me. who knows tho. this year really has been a constant of just taking it a day at a time. so far it seems to be working. i've been fairly content all year. despite a few things obviously. but really...i've just gotten really bad at caring about alot of things...

its funny. cuz that used to be exactly what i wanted. i thought it would be so much easier to not care. to not have all these goals and ambitions to live up to. to just...be completely chill with whatever was happening. one thing i found out however, is not really caring, and not having those goals and ambitions, just seems to leave me lost and unsure of myself. not really sure where im going and consequently just going along with basically anything or everything. i can't figure out if i like this newer me i'm discovering or creating. not sure which word fits it best. either way, i suppose with time, i'll be forced to figure it out.