whats the point of life. i mean really...
and im not being depressed so much as overly contemplative.
but thinking back, i have no idea why im here. its something ive been trying to figure out for a long time now. i think around 5th grade was when i first wondered why i existed. i still wonder. i still havent figured it out. its amazing how some people can just know. they just know what their purpose is or who they are or where theyre going. then there are those of us who have no idea who we are, where we're going, or what to do next.
i have no idea. about anything anymore.
whats the point of me being here? i dont do anything that amazing. im not incredibly talented or smart at anything. i just jump from place to place making different friends, changing my mind about things, trying different things hoping to find something more to who i am. lately tho..it seems like im just going nowhere.
today was really interesting. jokes were made that were kinda funny, but for the most part...just kind of a pathetic reflection of my life this year. id be easy to kill if they poisoned my coffee because even if i knew something was weird about it id drink it anyways. this fits for a few things with me....i really do just take things without knowing. first time was in australia. old story...not going there. then there was the "saltine cracker" pill. then literally the coffee that tasted funny that i drank anyways...is there something wrong with me? i can't help but wonder sometimes...
then my luck with cars and guys this year. what the hell. kind of a joke, but once again, thinking about it....kind of pathetic. im on what, my 4th vehicle? first car. 91 chrystler le baron. most of you dont know much about that one cuz my dad bought it as a gamble for $600. didnt run. its the lil red one across the street from my driveway thats buried in snow. 2nd car: my baby. love that car. still miss it but it got totalled. 3rd vehicle. 92 saturn. not a bad car. had some trouble but it got me around....till it got cold. then we had problems. thought we fixed it. turned out my engine was completely fucked. now im gonna borrow my dads truck for the rest of the year. the thing is...the only one thats POSSIBLY my fault is my baby. and had that douchebag not accelerated as i was turning i would have been totally fine. seriously. i had PLENTY of room. sorry i didnt plan on him accelerating into my side. then my luck with guys...really? the past 2 have decided to just completely ignore me rather than talking to me about anything. david...ignores me for a week till i have to ask wtf. we break up. justin...we ignore each other for 2 weeks out of the month we went out. i got sick of trying and did that thing where i test out how long it'll be before he'll talk to me if i don't talk to him. like 2 weeks go by and he blames me and i blame him whatever. i dont care about that one so much. hes basically an idiot.
the thing that bothers me is mostly just that i dont seem to be worth talking to when its over. guys like to just kinda stop...leave...not tell me they're done. they like to make me kinda figure it out i guess. ryan always said we'd stay in touch. by stay in touch he meant make whore jokes at me and call me a tease the only time we ever talked. what a great guy huh? totally full of shit. a liar who was manipulative. we all have had one at some point. david...apparently family problems means you can't tell your gf you need time or space or that it isnt working. justin...just sucks.
this blog is pointless. i think. im not really sure. just some random thoughts.
whatever.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008
i can't say it.
if only you knew what a mess you have made of me. its ironic really, seeing as thats what you seem to always want to prevent. you say you don't want me getting hurt, you've hurt me more than anyone ever will. im confident in that. you say you dont want me to have to learn the hard lessons that can be pervented, why can't you hear me saying that i do? i need to experience life for myself. you don't want to lose me? funny. youre doing a good job pushing me away. and you know it. i've told you time and time again. thats the point where you usually get angry. then YOU walk out on ME.
if only you knew how i really felt about things and how i really live my life. but you don't know. and you never will. because im scared to tell you anything. you'll judge me. you'll hate me. you'll give up on me as a person. or worse, you'll try to "fix" me. i wish i could talk to you and be comfortable saying anything. im more self consious around you than around anyone else i know. but you're clueless. no matter how many times i've tried to tell you, you always turn and look the other way. or just get angry and run away from it. throw in some fake tearless sobs then completely ignore me just for the hell of it. and of course you can never just leave it between us. you have to bring others in so that i feel even more like a failure, like a disappointment, like THE worst daughter imaginable. its slightly rediculous but i can never get that one argument out of my head from last year. you know the one that started with you saying "id be heartbroken if you ever got a tattoo" and ended with "id be kind of sad if you killed yourself." i doubt you even remember it, but something in me can't let it go. silly i know, but every time you yell at me, thats what i think of.
why do you even think im so horrible? such a disappointment? i have somewhat decent grades and i haven't managed to completely screw my life over yet. so i did something you didnt agree with in australia. it was a year and a half ago. get over it already. why do you think im incapable of realizing mistakes and growing from them. every mistake i make you have to remind me of. every mistake i make you have to punish me for. did it ever occur to you that maybe, just maybe, i could learn something from it BY MYSELF? without you giving me hell for it for the rest of my life? did you ever think, PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES.
im not my sister. i never will be. i'll always be more willing to take a risk but less willing to fight. and consequently, you'll always hit me when im down. its something i've noticed. youre always taking advantage of the fact that i dont fight the way she does. we're different. you always say that...yet when it comes to things like taking risks or interests in life you expect me to be like her. you expect me not to get curious and make mistakes i know are wrong. you expect me to follow every rule. im not going to. i dont.
if i could be honest with you, that would be awesome. but i can't. i know im not forced to lie to you constantly, but i feel like i am. because if i want to be my own person, i have to lie to you. anytime i say anything about how i really am...you dont listen. i told you once that i feel alot stronger than you thnk about cetain things even if i dont show it. so you reply with "no you dont." i tell you what im interested in and you find a reason to object. i tell you who im really with so you get angry because you don't know them or the boy girl ratio isnt what you want it to be.
i am so sick of putting up with you. 99% of the time, i try to let it go. to fake nice. to not always complain about you or yell at you. but lately, i honestly can't take it. if i could, i would pack up and leave. every night this week you've pushed me to my furthest point until ive broken down completely. but still, youre clueless. youre pathetic, self centered, hypocritical, judgemental, close minded, condescending, and immature. you always wanted to be a mother. i doubt this is what you had in mind. maybe because you chose to be a dictator instead. and not listen to anything i need or want from you. im not asking you to let me do whatever i want. im asking you to be reasonable. to talk to me like im almost 18. to LET me make a mistake and learn from it on my own.
ill be on my own next year. you can't protect me then. wouldnt you rather me learn something about the real world when i can still come to you if i need to?
i need a break. im growing up but im still young. which means im going to be stupid. i need you to forgive me for that. not tell me everyday that im a dissappointment. that i've let you down. that if i dont change soon, i wont be going anywhere in life. i need you to be my mom.
if only you knew how i really felt about things and how i really live my life. but you don't know. and you never will. because im scared to tell you anything. you'll judge me. you'll hate me. you'll give up on me as a person. or worse, you'll try to "fix" me. i wish i could talk to you and be comfortable saying anything. im more self consious around you than around anyone else i know. but you're clueless. no matter how many times i've tried to tell you, you always turn and look the other way. or just get angry and run away from it. throw in some fake tearless sobs then completely ignore me just for the hell of it. and of course you can never just leave it between us. you have to bring others in so that i feel even more like a failure, like a disappointment, like THE worst daughter imaginable. its slightly rediculous but i can never get that one argument out of my head from last year. you know the one that started with you saying "id be heartbroken if you ever got a tattoo" and ended with "id be kind of sad if you killed yourself." i doubt you even remember it, but something in me can't let it go. silly i know, but every time you yell at me, thats what i think of.
why do you even think im so horrible? such a disappointment? i have somewhat decent grades and i haven't managed to completely screw my life over yet. so i did something you didnt agree with in australia. it was a year and a half ago. get over it already. why do you think im incapable of realizing mistakes and growing from them. every mistake i make you have to remind me of. every mistake i make you have to punish me for. did it ever occur to you that maybe, just maybe, i could learn something from it BY MYSELF? without you giving me hell for it for the rest of my life? did you ever think, PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES.
im not my sister. i never will be. i'll always be more willing to take a risk but less willing to fight. and consequently, you'll always hit me when im down. its something i've noticed. youre always taking advantage of the fact that i dont fight the way she does. we're different. you always say that...yet when it comes to things like taking risks or interests in life you expect me to be like her. you expect me not to get curious and make mistakes i know are wrong. you expect me to follow every rule. im not going to. i dont.
if i could be honest with you, that would be awesome. but i can't. i know im not forced to lie to you constantly, but i feel like i am. because if i want to be my own person, i have to lie to you. anytime i say anything about how i really am...you dont listen. i told you once that i feel alot stronger than you thnk about cetain things even if i dont show it. so you reply with "no you dont." i tell you what im interested in and you find a reason to object. i tell you who im really with so you get angry because you don't know them or the boy girl ratio isnt what you want it to be.
i am so sick of putting up with you. 99% of the time, i try to let it go. to fake nice. to not always complain about you or yell at you. but lately, i honestly can't take it. if i could, i would pack up and leave. every night this week you've pushed me to my furthest point until ive broken down completely. but still, youre clueless. youre pathetic, self centered, hypocritical, judgemental, close minded, condescending, and immature. you always wanted to be a mother. i doubt this is what you had in mind. maybe because you chose to be a dictator instead. and not listen to anything i need or want from you. im not asking you to let me do whatever i want. im asking you to be reasonable. to talk to me like im almost 18. to LET me make a mistake and learn from it on my own.
ill be on my own next year. you can't protect me then. wouldnt you rather me learn something about the real world when i can still come to you if i need to?
i need a break. im growing up but im still young. which means im going to be stupid. i need you to forgive me for that. not tell me everyday that im a dissappointment. that i've let you down. that if i dont change soon, i wont be going anywhere in life. i need you to be my mom.
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