pointless?

whats the point of life. i mean really...
and im not being depressed so much as overly contemplative.

but thinking back, i have no idea why im here. its something ive been trying to figure out for a long time now. i think around 5th grade was when i first wondered why i existed. i still wonder. i still havent figured it out. its amazing how some people can just know. they just know what their purpose is or who they are or where theyre going. then there are those of us who have no idea who we are, where we're going, or what to do next.
i have no idea. about anything anymore.

whats the point of me being here? i dont do anything that amazing. im not incredibly talented or smart at anything. i just jump from place to place making different friends, changing my mind about things, trying different things hoping to find something more to who i am. lately tho..it seems like im just going nowhere.

today was really interesting. jokes were made that were kinda funny, but for the most part...just kind of a pathetic reflection of my life this year. id be easy to kill if they poisoned my coffee because even if i knew something was weird about it id drink it anyways. this fits for a few things with me....i really do just take things without knowing. first time was in australia. old story...not going there. then there was the "saltine cracker" pill. then literally the coffee that tasted funny that i drank anyways...is there something wrong with me? i can't help but wonder sometimes...
then my luck with cars and guys this year. what the hell. kind of a joke, but once again, thinking about it....kind of pathetic. im on what, my 4th vehicle? first car. 91 chrystler le baron. most of you dont know much about that one cuz my dad bought it as a gamble for $600. didnt run. its the lil red one across the street from my driveway thats buried in snow. 2nd car: my baby. love that car. still miss it but it got totalled. 3rd vehicle. 92 saturn. not a bad car. had some trouble but it got me around....till it got cold. then we had problems. thought we fixed it. turned out my engine was completely fucked. now im gonna borrow my dads truck for the rest of the year. the thing is...the only one thats POSSIBLY my fault is my baby. and had that douchebag not accelerated as i was turning i would have been totally fine. seriously. i had PLENTY of room. sorry i didnt plan on him accelerating into my side. then my luck with guys...really? the past 2 have decided to just completely ignore me rather than talking to me about anything. david...ignores me for a week till i have to ask wtf. we break up. justin...we ignore each other for 2 weeks out of the month we went out. i got sick of trying and did that thing where i test out how long it'll be before he'll talk to me if i don't talk to him. like 2 weeks go by and he blames me and i blame him whatever. i dont care about that one so much. hes basically an idiot.
the thing that bothers me is mostly just that i dont seem to be worth talking to when its over. guys like to just kinda stop...leave...not tell me they're done. they like to make me kinda figure it out i guess. ryan always said we'd stay in touch. by stay in touch he meant make whore jokes at me and call me a tease the only time we ever talked. what a great guy huh? totally full of shit. a liar who was manipulative. we all have had one at some point. david...apparently family problems means you can't tell your gf you need time or space or that it isnt working. justin...just sucks.

this blog is pointless. i think. im not really sure. just some random thoughts.
whatever.