i can't say it.

if only you knew what a mess you have made of me. its ironic really, seeing as thats what you seem to always want to prevent. you say you don't want me getting hurt, you've hurt me more than anyone ever will. im confident in that. you say you dont want me to have to learn the hard lessons that can be pervented, why can't you hear me saying that i do? i need to experience life for myself. you don't want to lose me? funny. youre doing a good job pushing me away. and you know it. i've told you time and time again. thats the point where you usually get angry. then YOU walk out on ME.
if only you knew how i really felt about things and how i really live my life. but you don't know. and you never will. because im scared to tell you anything. you'll judge me. you'll hate me. you'll give up on me as a person. or worse, you'll try to "fix" me. i wish i could talk to you and be comfortable saying anything. im more self consious around you than around anyone else i know. but you're clueless. no matter how many times i've tried to tell you, you always turn and look the other way. or just get angry and run away from it. throw in some fake tearless sobs then completely ignore me just for the hell of it. and of course you can never just leave it between us. you have to bring others in so that i feel even more like a failure, like a disappointment, like THE worst daughter imaginable. its slightly rediculous but i can never get that one argument out of my head from last year. you know the one that started with you saying "id be heartbroken if you ever got a tattoo" and ended with "id be kind of sad if you killed yourself." i doubt you even remember it, but something in me can't let it go. silly i know, but every time you yell at me, thats what i think of.
why do you even think im so horrible? such a disappointment? i have somewhat decent grades and i haven't managed to completely screw my life over yet. so i did something you didnt agree with in australia. it was a year and a half ago. get over it already. why do you think im incapable of realizing mistakes and growing from them. every mistake i make you have to remind me of. every mistake i make you have to punish me for. did it ever occur to you that maybe, just maybe, i could learn something from it BY MYSELF? without you giving me hell for it for the rest of my life? did you ever think, PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES.
im not my sister. i never will be. i'll always be more willing to take a risk but less willing to fight. and consequently, you'll always hit me when im down. its something i've noticed. youre always taking advantage of the fact that i dont fight the way she does. we're different. you always say that...yet when it comes to things like taking risks or interests in life you expect me to be like her. you expect me not to get curious and make mistakes i know are wrong. you expect me to follow every rule. im not going to. i dont.
if i could be honest with you, that would be awesome. but i can't. i know im not forced to lie to you constantly, but i feel like i am. because if i want to be my own person, i have to lie to you. anytime i say anything about how i really am...you dont listen. i told you once that i feel alot stronger than you thnk about cetain things even if i dont show it. so you reply with "no you dont." i tell you what im interested in and you find a reason to object. i tell you who im really with so you get angry because you don't know them or the boy girl ratio isnt what you want it to be.
i am so sick of putting up with you. 99% of the time, i try to let it go. to fake nice. to not always complain about you or yell at you. but lately, i honestly can't take it. if i could, i would pack up and leave. every night this week you've pushed me to my furthest point until ive broken down completely. but still, youre clueless. youre pathetic, self centered, hypocritical, judgemental, close minded, condescending, and immature. you always wanted to be a mother. i doubt this is what you had in mind. maybe because you chose to be a dictator instead. and not listen to anything i need or want from you. im not asking you to let me do whatever i want. im asking you to be reasonable. to talk to me like im almost 18. to LET me make a mistake and learn from it on my own.
ill be on my own next year. you can't protect me then. wouldnt you rather me learn something about the real world when i can still come to you if i need to?

i need a break. im growing up but im still young. which means im going to be stupid. i need you to forgive me for that. not tell me everyday that im a dissappointment. that i've let you down. that if i dont change soon, i wont be going anywhere in life. i need you to be my mom.