why is it that you've chosen this path? we just don't understand why you keep choosing to partake in these high risk activities...do you know the consequences?

yeah..i do actually. im just smart about it(..well as smart as i can be) so that in all reality, its very unlikely i'll get into much trouble.

you promised we wouldnt have to worry about this when we caught you back in january
we just don't know what to think anymore, how do we know when youre telling the truth?

...

blah blah blah.

well at least im happy.




i feel alive.
i'm sorry i'm not sorry.
you've said it yourself. things aren't going to change anytime soon.
this is me.
for now.


thanks for not doing anything this time.

p/s, i'm so relieved you know. i was starting to get really sick of lying.

4 people

i'm not ready, but i want to be.
i miss you terribly, but i wish you were no longer in my thoughts.
you hurt me...kind of alot. you say you've had your heart torn out too many times to risk getting hurt...
so why is it that you have no consideration for what you may have done to mine when you left?


i can't wait to see you. but the thought of leaving there when its over...
i dont want to think about that.
i would give anything to know exactly how you felt.
i constantly wonder what it will be like to see you again.
why is it that i always think you'll make everything better, and you do?
what will i do when you don't?



i liked you. you ruined that. i left because my eyes opened. you ignored that, and now you want to hang out again. what is it you want? a friendship or a second chance? i dont know that i can give you either...would you be able to understand that? if you did somehow understand...i might be able to give you that second chance. of course then you would know that i couldn't. i could try to be your friend though. maybe.


i'm sorry. that is all.


i like you. realize that.
i love you. don't ever leave.
i'm scared of you. it would be best if you left me alone.
i lied to you. but you'll never know.

dreaming.

am i fucking dreaming?
really.
wow.
guess i'll know when i wake up and see if this is really here...this blog.
is it real?
is it in my head?
am i really sleeping safely in my bed, or is this happening?
fuck.
i'm speechless.
i'm breathless.
how is this happening.?
i've got to be dreaming.
but why would i dream this?
its so everyday,
so ordinary.
so whys it seem so huge?
it has to be a dream.
i hope i wake up, and this blog, isn't really here.
but i don't think it is.
but if i'm dreaming, would i know i was dreaming?
its like a catch 22 almost.
but not.
maybe?

why?

its weird. i have trust issues. but not always.
i try to be guarded, i try not to tell someone everything and count on them always being there until i know i can count on them at least being around for a while. but then, every so often, someone comes along. and for reasons i can't explain...i'm comfortable. i feel like i can just..tell them..anything. i hate it. they've done nothing to earn that trust and for all i know they couldn't care less or they'd tell other people without thinking twice. but for some reason, theres that understood, underlying connection and feeling, that i can trust them.
its exciting. but its terrifying. i'm bad at controlling it. i'll find myself saying things or opening up in ways i had no intent to.
with some things, all you have to do is ask.
with others, you don't even have to ask.
i dont know what it is, why its so easy,
but i'm not okay with it.
yet, i am.

i find myself thinking, if only you'd leave before i'd miss you. before i tell you anything. reality is that its too late for that. i'm already in too far. i've already told you too much. so don't leave. but don't make me tell you more. because if you ask, i'll tell you. and immediately wonder, why?

then as i ask myself that...why...your words echo in my head, that why is the eternal question of life. the sole question of our existance. and question that every answer comes down to.

so i ask you, why?

no its not.

no, its not all behind us now. i'm still not okay. i'm still searching for a reason to smile. i still miss my friends. i still can't look you in the eye without feeling drenched in guilt.

tonight, he made me do it. i was just sitting here talking to people when my dad said to follow him. downstairs there it was. the reason i'm in over my head. the reason things have gotten where they are. he made me flush it all. he made me break the pipe with a hammer and throw away the peices. gave me a hug, and said "its all behind us now, i love you kiddo, even if you don't know it." it was a real hug too. it broke me once again. why can't i handle any form of affection from my dad? why does it break me to know that he still loves me no matter what i do? how can he say its all behind us now?...
does he really think that? does that mean i'm not grounded anymore? does that mean its all okay? i doubt it. i'm scared to ask really. because i know the answer. i'm still grounded. they're still dissappointed in me. so how is it all behind us?
getting it out of sight, breaking it, flushing it, whatever, doesnt make it all better. i know that they aren't that simple. i know that its not a flipped switch like that. not with my parents.
so how, dad, how can you say its all behind us?
i dont think he gets it. he doesnt know how broken i still am. how empty and heavy my heart is. he doesnt know about the constant lump in my throat that holds back tears or the pain in my stomach that makes me vomit. he doesnt know about the makeup stains on all of my sleeves or the strength it takes me to come home and walk back into this house, knowing i can't leave when i need to get away. he doesnt know how draining it is, or how trapped i feel. he doesnt know that i literally feel like the walls are closing in, and that i literally can't breathe. he doesnt know that i can't sleep. he doesnt know that i'm not okay. at all.
its not all behind us. its not okay. its not all better.
its gone. its broken.
but so am i. not because it is. but because i'm alone now. because i feel alone because i've been cut off from the people i know love me. because i've seen the pain and the fear in your eyes. the pain that i lied, the fear that you'll lose me. because i'm back to how i was before, only now its not masked. its all i feel. i'm withdrawn. i'm scared. i'm lost. i'm finding myself all over again. i'm broken. i'm worried. i'm confused. i'm hurt. i'm boring. i'm dead inside. i'm fighting only because i know there has to be something more. i'm searching. i'm not content. i'm lost and disillusioned. once again.
and i'm sorry.

random

the walls are built around me
and heaven's gates are closed
a light, a window, through the darkness,
a feeling quite exposed.
a hell-bound fire, burning passion,
as life goes rolling on,
a life so plain and empty,
was once not quite so gone.
but off in loves hazed distance,
lies a smoky burning hand,
with scorching hearts, and painted smiles,
my soul's a little bland.
for love to play with fire,
in my eye's obstructed view,
dancing shadows on my wall...
and its all to do with you.
here, you're gone, you're not the same.
i look around,
for who to blame?
a mirror looks me in the eye
and i'm so sad to say,
i watch the dawn its slowly breaking,
but i fear another day.

so...idk what happened...i don't write poetry very much..but i just did. just kinda happened. i wasnt thinking or trying. just thoughts poured out... i'm not really sure what it means....but its gotta mean something.

broken.

its been a week. HOW has it only been one fucking week?

remorse. pain. regret. sorrow. shame. i apparently show none. i've always been just like my dad in the sense that i don't really ever show my complete hundred percent of what i'm feeling. opening up to anyone about things takes so much out of me. i literally can't handle this. i can still find reasons to keep living, but its getting harder everyday to fake that smile, hold back tears, and pretend that you're words aren't killing me every second of every day. its getting harder to find a reason to get out of bed and go thru another listless day.
yes. i messed up. big time. i know.
why is it that you're so incredibly clueless though to the fact that i am sorry? that i do know there have to be consequences, but honestly, what do you think you're accomplishing by thinking my tears arent fucking real? i dont cry in front of people unless i absolutely can no longer keep it in to save my life.
i know i'm a dissappointment, but i always have been. so why are you acting like its something new? you say i'm not...well then prove me wrong. what have i ever done that you've been happy about? *silence.*
i love my dad. so much. thats why it hurts me more than anything when he has a hard time even LOOKING at me. ive never really had a close relationship where i've been able to talk to him about things in my life because we're both so closed in our emotions. we're both so much alike though. which is why this kills us both.
i want it to go away. i don't want him to have to worry about me.
i want my sister to speak to me again. i need to know that she still loves me. i need to know that i'm still the world to her, and not just another person she wasted too much of her life on.
i need...to start over...
i just wish i knew how.

so lets give it up for the new year.

2007 - it wasn't a very good year. sure it has its amazing moments, but overall it wasnt that significant. i think i remember sitting there as it was almost 2008 saying how the year could have been completely skipped over and not a whole lot would really be missed. and what we did miss we'd be better off without. lost friends. some lost love. others lost other things. not a good year, but we didnt know what we were in for.

2008 - it started horribly. making a depressing playlist of why 2007 simply sucked. little did we know things would only get worse. we all learned first hand how fragile a life is. how you can blink your eyes and the world can change. we dated assholes, we took chances, some of us had our hearts officially broken. it was a rollercoaster of a year. we changed. we grew up. drifted and came back to each other. drifted again. its still happening. no ones all that close to anyone and its hard to know who to trust or what we're doing here. 2008 was a year of disillusionment for alot of people i know. it was a year for love. a year for change. a year for fighting. a year for taking chances. a year for grief. and a year for reality to take charge. while it wasn't the best year, it couldnt have been skipped like a large part of 2007 could have been. it was one of the hardest years ive had. i grew up, i changed, and im still changing.

its 2009. and im a new person. some people like it, some don't. but this year, i've made it my resolution to be okay with that. i am me. and im trying to accept it. i've always made mistakes, this year i'm going to embrace them. take them. grow from them. and anything that hurts me or tears me apart, i'll just be glad it didn't kill me. i want to risk, and i want to feel things i've never felt before. im letting my guard down. im being real. im sick of the past. i started living it up towards the end half of 08 and i've been way happier. 2009 has to be good. im forcing it to be.

or not. we'll see.