broken.

its been a week. HOW has it only been one fucking week?

remorse. pain. regret. sorrow. shame. i apparently show none. i've always been just like my dad in the sense that i don't really ever show my complete hundred percent of what i'm feeling. opening up to anyone about things takes so much out of me. i literally can't handle this. i can still find reasons to keep living, but its getting harder everyday to fake that smile, hold back tears, and pretend that you're words aren't killing me every second of every day. its getting harder to find a reason to get out of bed and go thru another listless day.
yes. i messed up. big time. i know.
why is it that you're so incredibly clueless though to the fact that i am sorry? that i do know there have to be consequences, but honestly, what do you think you're accomplishing by thinking my tears arent fucking real? i dont cry in front of people unless i absolutely can no longer keep it in to save my life.
i know i'm a dissappointment, but i always have been. so why are you acting like its something new? you say i'm not...well then prove me wrong. what have i ever done that you've been happy about? *silence.*
i love my dad. so much. thats why it hurts me more than anything when he has a hard time even LOOKING at me. ive never really had a close relationship where i've been able to talk to him about things in my life because we're both so closed in our emotions. we're both so much alike though. which is why this kills us both.
i want it to go away. i don't want him to have to worry about me.
i want my sister to speak to me again. i need to know that she still loves me. i need to know that i'm still the world to her, and not just another person she wasted too much of her life on.
i need...to start over...
i just wish i knew how.