am i fucking dreaming?
really.
wow.
guess i'll know when i wake up and see if this is really here...this blog.
is it real?
is it in my head?
am i really sleeping safely in my bed, or is this happening?
fuck.
i'm speechless.
i'm breathless.
how is this happening.?
i've got to be dreaming.
but why would i dream this?
its so everyday,
so ordinary.
so whys it seem so huge?
it has to be a dream.
i hope i wake up, and this blog, isn't really here.
but i don't think it is.
but if i'm dreaming, would i know i was dreaming?
its like a catch 22 almost.
but not.
maybe?
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
why?
its weird. i have trust issues. but not always.
i try to be guarded, i try not to tell someone everything and count on them always being there until i know i can count on them at least being around for a while. but then, every so often, someone comes along. and for reasons i can't explain...i'm comfortable. i feel like i can just..tell them..anything. i hate it. they've done nothing to earn that trust and for all i know they couldn't care less or they'd tell other people without thinking twice. but for some reason, theres that understood, underlying connection and feeling, that i can trust them.
its exciting. but its terrifying. i'm bad at controlling it. i'll find myself saying things or opening up in ways i had no intent to.
with some things, all you have to do is ask.
with others, you don't even have to ask.
i dont know what it is, why its so easy,
but i'm not okay with it.
yet, i am.
i find myself thinking, if only you'd leave before i'd miss you. before i tell you anything. reality is that its too late for that. i'm already in too far. i've already told you too much. so don't leave. but don't make me tell you more. because if you ask, i'll tell you. and immediately wonder, why?
then as i ask myself that...why...your words echo in my head, that why is the eternal question of life. the sole question of our existance. and question that every answer comes down to.
so i ask you, why?
i try to be guarded, i try not to tell someone everything and count on them always being there until i know i can count on them at least being around for a while. but then, every so often, someone comes along. and for reasons i can't explain...i'm comfortable. i feel like i can just..tell them..anything. i hate it. they've done nothing to earn that trust and for all i know they couldn't care less or they'd tell other people without thinking twice. but for some reason, theres that understood, underlying connection and feeling, that i can trust them.
its exciting. but its terrifying. i'm bad at controlling it. i'll find myself saying things or opening up in ways i had no intent to.
with some things, all you have to do is ask.
with others, you don't even have to ask.
i dont know what it is, why its so easy,
but i'm not okay with it.
yet, i am.
i find myself thinking, if only you'd leave before i'd miss you. before i tell you anything. reality is that its too late for that. i'm already in too far. i've already told you too much. so don't leave. but don't make me tell you more. because if you ask, i'll tell you. and immediately wonder, why?
then as i ask myself that...why...your words echo in my head, that why is the eternal question of life. the sole question of our existance. and question that every answer comes down to.
so i ask you, why?
Monday, February 2, 2009
no its not.
no, its not all behind us now. i'm still not okay. i'm still searching for a reason to smile. i still miss my friends. i still can't look you in the eye without feeling drenched in guilt.
tonight, he made me do it. i was just sitting here talking to people when my dad said to follow him. downstairs there it was. the reason i'm in over my head. the reason things have gotten where they are. he made me flush it all. he made me break the pipe with a hammer and throw away the peices. gave me a hug, and said "its all behind us now, i love you kiddo, even if you don't know it." it was a real hug too. it broke me once again. why can't i handle any form of affection from my dad? why does it break me to know that he still loves me no matter what i do? how can he say its all behind us now?...
does he really think that? does that mean i'm not grounded anymore? does that mean its all okay? i doubt it. i'm scared to ask really. because i know the answer. i'm still grounded. they're still dissappointed in me. so how is it all behind us?
getting it out of sight, breaking it, flushing it, whatever, doesnt make it all better. i know that they aren't that simple. i know that its not a flipped switch like that. not with my parents.
so how, dad, how can you say its all behind us?
i dont think he gets it. he doesnt know how broken i still am. how empty and heavy my heart is. he doesnt know about the constant lump in my throat that holds back tears or the pain in my stomach that makes me vomit. he doesnt know about the makeup stains on all of my sleeves or the strength it takes me to come home and walk back into this house, knowing i can't leave when i need to get away. he doesnt know how draining it is, or how trapped i feel. he doesnt know that i literally feel like the walls are closing in, and that i literally can't breathe. he doesnt know that i can't sleep. he doesnt know that i'm not okay. at all.
its not all behind us. its not okay. its not all better.
its gone. its broken.
but so am i. not because it is. but because i'm alone now. because i feel alone because i've been cut off from the people i know love me. because i've seen the pain and the fear in your eyes. the pain that i lied, the fear that you'll lose me. because i'm back to how i was before, only now its not masked. its all i feel. i'm withdrawn. i'm scared. i'm lost. i'm finding myself all over again. i'm broken. i'm worried. i'm confused. i'm hurt. i'm boring. i'm dead inside. i'm fighting only because i know there has to be something more. i'm searching. i'm not content. i'm lost and disillusioned. once again.
and i'm sorry.
tonight, he made me do it. i was just sitting here talking to people when my dad said to follow him. downstairs there it was. the reason i'm in over my head. the reason things have gotten where they are. he made me flush it all. he made me break the pipe with a hammer and throw away the peices. gave me a hug, and said "its all behind us now, i love you kiddo, even if you don't know it." it was a real hug too. it broke me once again. why can't i handle any form of affection from my dad? why does it break me to know that he still loves me no matter what i do? how can he say its all behind us now?...
does he really think that? does that mean i'm not grounded anymore? does that mean its all okay? i doubt it. i'm scared to ask really. because i know the answer. i'm still grounded. they're still dissappointed in me. so how is it all behind us?
getting it out of sight, breaking it, flushing it, whatever, doesnt make it all better. i know that they aren't that simple. i know that its not a flipped switch like that. not with my parents.
so how, dad, how can you say its all behind us?
i dont think he gets it. he doesnt know how broken i still am. how empty and heavy my heart is. he doesnt know about the constant lump in my throat that holds back tears or the pain in my stomach that makes me vomit. he doesnt know about the makeup stains on all of my sleeves or the strength it takes me to come home and walk back into this house, knowing i can't leave when i need to get away. he doesnt know how draining it is, or how trapped i feel. he doesnt know that i literally feel like the walls are closing in, and that i literally can't breathe. he doesnt know that i can't sleep. he doesnt know that i'm not okay. at all.
its not all behind us. its not okay. its not all better.
its gone. its broken.
but so am i. not because it is. but because i'm alone now. because i feel alone because i've been cut off from the people i know love me. because i've seen the pain and the fear in your eyes. the pain that i lied, the fear that you'll lose me. because i'm back to how i was before, only now its not masked. its all i feel. i'm withdrawn. i'm scared. i'm lost. i'm finding myself all over again. i'm broken. i'm worried. i'm confused. i'm hurt. i'm boring. i'm dead inside. i'm fighting only because i know there has to be something more. i'm searching. i'm not content. i'm lost and disillusioned. once again.
and i'm sorry.
random
the walls are built around me
and heaven's gates are closed
a light, a window, through the darkness,
a feeling quite exposed.
a hell-bound fire, burning passion,
as life goes rolling on,
a life so plain and empty,
was once not quite so gone.
but off in loves hazed distance,
lies a smoky burning hand,
with scorching hearts, and painted smiles,
my soul's a little bland.
for love to play with fire,
in my eye's obstructed view,
dancing shadows on my wall...
and its all to do with you.
here, you're gone, you're not the same.
i look around,
for who to blame?
a mirror looks me in the eye
and i'm so sad to say,
i watch the dawn its slowly breaking,
but i fear another day.
so...idk what happened...i don't write poetry very much..but i just did. just kinda happened. i wasnt thinking or trying. just thoughts poured out... i'm not really sure what it means....but its gotta mean something.
and heaven's gates are closed
a light, a window, through the darkness,
a feeling quite exposed.
a hell-bound fire, burning passion,
as life goes rolling on,
a life so plain and empty,
was once not quite so gone.
but off in loves hazed distance,
lies a smoky burning hand,
with scorching hearts, and painted smiles,
my soul's a little bland.
for love to play with fire,
in my eye's obstructed view,
dancing shadows on my wall...
and its all to do with you.
here, you're gone, you're not the same.
i look around,
for who to blame?
a mirror looks me in the eye
and i'm so sad to say,
i watch the dawn its slowly breaking,
but i fear another day.
so...idk what happened...i don't write poetry very much..but i just did. just kinda happened. i wasnt thinking or trying. just thoughts poured out... i'm not really sure what it means....but its gotta mean something.
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