no its not.

no, its not all behind us now. i'm still not okay. i'm still searching for a reason to smile. i still miss my friends. i still can't look you in the eye without feeling drenched in guilt.

tonight, he made me do it. i was just sitting here talking to people when my dad said to follow him. downstairs there it was. the reason i'm in over my head. the reason things have gotten where they are. he made me flush it all. he made me break the pipe with a hammer and throw away the peices. gave me a hug, and said "its all behind us now, i love you kiddo, even if you don't know it." it was a real hug too. it broke me once again. why can't i handle any form of affection from my dad? why does it break me to know that he still loves me no matter what i do? how can he say its all behind us now?...
does he really think that? does that mean i'm not grounded anymore? does that mean its all okay? i doubt it. i'm scared to ask really. because i know the answer. i'm still grounded. they're still dissappointed in me. so how is it all behind us?
getting it out of sight, breaking it, flushing it, whatever, doesnt make it all better. i know that they aren't that simple. i know that its not a flipped switch like that. not with my parents.
so how, dad, how can you say its all behind us?
i dont think he gets it. he doesnt know how broken i still am. how empty and heavy my heart is. he doesnt know about the constant lump in my throat that holds back tears or the pain in my stomach that makes me vomit. he doesnt know about the makeup stains on all of my sleeves or the strength it takes me to come home and walk back into this house, knowing i can't leave when i need to get away. he doesnt know how draining it is, or how trapped i feel. he doesnt know that i literally feel like the walls are closing in, and that i literally can't breathe. he doesnt know that i can't sleep. he doesnt know that i'm not okay. at all.
its not all behind us. its not okay. its not all better.
its gone. its broken.
but so am i. not because it is. but because i'm alone now. because i feel alone because i've been cut off from the people i know love me. because i've seen the pain and the fear in your eyes. the pain that i lied, the fear that you'll lose me. because i'm back to how i was before, only now its not masked. its all i feel. i'm withdrawn. i'm scared. i'm lost. i'm finding myself all over again. i'm broken. i'm worried. i'm confused. i'm hurt. i'm boring. i'm dead inside. i'm fighting only because i know there has to be something more. i'm searching. i'm not content. i'm lost and disillusioned. once again.
and i'm sorry.