pointless?

whats the point of life. i mean really...
and im not being depressed so much as overly contemplative.

but thinking back, i have no idea why im here. its something ive been trying to figure out for a long time now. i think around 5th grade was when i first wondered why i existed. i still wonder. i still havent figured it out. its amazing how some people can just know. they just know what their purpose is or who they are or where theyre going. then there are those of us who have no idea who we are, where we're going, or what to do next.
i have no idea. about anything anymore.

whats the point of me being here? i dont do anything that amazing. im not incredibly talented or smart at anything. i just jump from place to place making different friends, changing my mind about things, trying different things hoping to find something more to who i am. lately tho..it seems like im just going nowhere.

today was really interesting. jokes were made that were kinda funny, but for the most part...just kind of a pathetic reflection of my life this year. id be easy to kill if they poisoned my coffee because even if i knew something was weird about it id drink it anyways. this fits for a few things with me....i really do just take things without knowing. first time was in australia. old story...not going there. then there was the "saltine cracker" pill. then literally the coffee that tasted funny that i drank anyways...is there something wrong with me? i can't help but wonder sometimes...
then my luck with cars and guys this year. what the hell. kind of a joke, but once again, thinking about it....kind of pathetic. im on what, my 4th vehicle? first car. 91 chrystler le baron. most of you dont know much about that one cuz my dad bought it as a gamble for $600. didnt run. its the lil red one across the street from my driveway thats buried in snow. 2nd car: my baby. love that car. still miss it but it got totalled. 3rd vehicle. 92 saturn. not a bad car. had some trouble but it got me around....till it got cold. then we had problems. thought we fixed it. turned out my engine was completely fucked. now im gonna borrow my dads truck for the rest of the year. the thing is...the only one thats POSSIBLY my fault is my baby. and had that douchebag not accelerated as i was turning i would have been totally fine. seriously. i had PLENTY of room. sorry i didnt plan on him accelerating into my side. then my luck with guys...really? the past 2 have decided to just completely ignore me rather than talking to me about anything. david...ignores me for a week till i have to ask wtf. we break up. justin...we ignore each other for 2 weeks out of the month we went out. i got sick of trying and did that thing where i test out how long it'll be before he'll talk to me if i don't talk to him. like 2 weeks go by and he blames me and i blame him whatever. i dont care about that one so much. hes basically an idiot.
the thing that bothers me is mostly just that i dont seem to be worth talking to when its over. guys like to just kinda stop...leave...not tell me they're done. they like to make me kinda figure it out i guess. ryan always said we'd stay in touch. by stay in touch he meant make whore jokes at me and call me a tease the only time we ever talked. what a great guy huh? totally full of shit. a liar who was manipulative. we all have had one at some point. david...apparently family problems means you can't tell your gf you need time or space or that it isnt working. justin...just sucks.

this blog is pointless. i think. im not really sure. just some random thoughts.
whatever.

i can't say it.

if only you knew what a mess you have made of me. its ironic really, seeing as thats what you seem to always want to prevent. you say you don't want me getting hurt, you've hurt me more than anyone ever will. im confident in that. you say you dont want me to have to learn the hard lessons that can be pervented, why can't you hear me saying that i do? i need to experience life for myself. you don't want to lose me? funny. youre doing a good job pushing me away. and you know it. i've told you time and time again. thats the point where you usually get angry. then YOU walk out on ME.
if only you knew how i really felt about things and how i really live my life. but you don't know. and you never will. because im scared to tell you anything. you'll judge me. you'll hate me. you'll give up on me as a person. or worse, you'll try to "fix" me. i wish i could talk to you and be comfortable saying anything. im more self consious around you than around anyone else i know. but you're clueless. no matter how many times i've tried to tell you, you always turn and look the other way. or just get angry and run away from it. throw in some fake tearless sobs then completely ignore me just for the hell of it. and of course you can never just leave it between us. you have to bring others in so that i feel even more like a failure, like a disappointment, like THE worst daughter imaginable. its slightly rediculous but i can never get that one argument out of my head from last year. you know the one that started with you saying "id be heartbroken if you ever got a tattoo" and ended with "id be kind of sad if you killed yourself." i doubt you even remember it, but something in me can't let it go. silly i know, but every time you yell at me, thats what i think of.
why do you even think im so horrible? such a disappointment? i have somewhat decent grades and i haven't managed to completely screw my life over yet. so i did something you didnt agree with in australia. it was a year and a half ago. get over it already. why do you think im incapable of realizing mistakes and growing from them. every mistake i make you have to remind me of. every mistake i make you have to punish me for. did it ever occur to you that maybe, just maybe, i could learn something from it BY MYSELF? without you giving me hell for it for the rest of my life? did you ever think, PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES.
im not my sister. i never will be. i'll always be more willing to take a risk but less willing to fight. and consequently, you'll always hit me when im down. its something i've noticed. youre always taking advantage of the fact that i dont fight the way she does. we're different. you always say that...yet when it comes to things like taking risks or interests in life you expect me to be like her. you expect me not to get curious and make mistakes i know are wrong. you expect me to follow every rule. im not going to. i dont.
if i could be honest with you, that would be awesome. but i can't. i know im not forced to lie to you constantly, but i feel like i am. because if i want to be my own person, i have to lie to you. anytime i say anything about how i really am...you dont listen. i told you once that i feel alot stronger than you thnk about cetain things even if i dont show it. so you reply with "no you dont." i tell you what im interested in and you find a reason to object. i tell you who im really with so you get angry because you don't know them or the boy girl ratio isnt what you want it to be.
i am so sick of putting up with you. 99% of the time, i try to let it go. to fake nice. to not always complain about you or yell at you. but lately, i honestly can't take it. if i could, i would pack up and leave. every night this week you've pushed me to my furthest point until ive broken down completely. but still, youre clueless. youre pathetic, self centered, hypocritical, judgemental, close minded, condescending, and immature. you always wanted to be a mother. i doubt this is what you had in mind. maybe because you chose to be a dictator instead. and not listen to anything i need or want from you. im not asking you to let me do whatever i want. im asking you to be reasonable. to talk to me like im almost 18. to LET me make a mistake and learn from it on my own.
ill be on my own next year. you can't protect me then. wouldnt you rather me learn something about the real world when i can still come to you if i need to?

i need a break. im growing up but im still young. which means im going to be stupid. i need you to forgive me for that. not tell me everyday that im a dissappointment. that i've let you down. that if i dont change soon, i wont be going anywhere in life. i need you to be my mom.

messy cars

"i don't like messy cars" a sort of inside joke or code saying that translates to hating boy/relationship problems.

talking about it, ive realized how much the way someone's car is can reflect certain things. talking in metaphores about my current situation i discussed how i hated messy cars. how i needed to clean it out but inevitably it would be in the messiest way imaginable. i can't really put it off tho. its not often i have the passenger even near my car...and when i do theres often other passengers. so next time, whenever that is, i'll have to just pull over.

my car tends to stay relatively the same. i've got some random stuff in there, insence, a fred meyer basket, my corde for plugging in, and usually some school shit. its little and takes a while to warm up. it has a very basic sound system, no cd player or anything. just a radio i plug my ipod into. nothing that fancy or complicated. at first maybe, but once you get used to it, fairly basic.

his car however, is constantly changing. one day the back seats are taken out and theres practically a living room back there. complete with a pean bag even! then the next day everything is restored to normal but with things thrown around everywhere. things get lost frequently and you have to basically tear apart the car to find whatever it is youre looking for. sometimes he'll give anyone and everyone a ride, fitting over 10 people in there. other times it will only fit 4 or 5.

if i were driving right now, its kind of like a blind spot. i KNOW the car is there. its VERY there. i can hear it, it bothers me, i need in the other lane but its blocking me off. i know to watch out for it, the driver seems to be having difficulties knowing which lane to be in, where to turn at. but i can't really see the driver of the other car. i might see parts of it. but not much...its in a blindspot. i hate blindspots, so now that the car infront of me that was holding me back has finally made a turn and is out of my way, im going to change lanes, to speed up, so that i can get away from this other car that is only half there. stressing me out. making me uncomfortable for reasons i can not put an exact finger on.

idk where this road will go. or how clean or messy my car is about to get. i need to try to clean it. but what if as im cleaning it, or while im changing lanes or speeding up, what if his car crashes into mine. then my car has become an even bigger mess. i know this is a possibility, its likely actually. but for now, its only getting messier. and ice fog is setting in making it even more difficult to continue driving in the conditions that i am. all i need is another airbag to not go off and who knows. guess we'll find out. cuz im downtown surrounded by crazy drunks on a one way street. i've decided which way to turn, and now i've pretty much gotta go with it until i find the street going the one way i want it to.

three.

i didnt ask your opinion. i didnt ask yours either. or yours for that matter.
i didnt want it. you dont even directly give it to me. just hint at how much you disapprove of everything as if its really going to change. i wish you guys would just give it up. im well aware of your views and what you think. that doesnt mean i have to change mine. and it doesnt mean you have to get all bent out of shape when i dont PRETEND to agree. what would be the point in that honestly?

pretending to agree with you? it wouldnt accomplish anything. it would only piss you off more in the long run. so stop. im sick of it. all i've done, is tell you how it is. without sugar coating. i havent made you any promises cuz i can't guarentee i'd be able to keep them. i haven't prolonged just telling you how it is because then you'd be mad i decieved you. i realize theres not really ever a way for you to approve of me or agree with anything i stand for, so why can't you? just accept it, move on. i promise you'll be happier, or at least dissappointed in me less often, if you stop trying to change everything.

for once, i've actually been fairly happy this year. just let it be.

surprise!

so. this year...senior year. my last year in fairbanks. i always knew it would come sooner than planned, but lately, its hitting me, in just a little more than 9 months i'll be moving. i knew this year would change things. i knew this year would have its ups and its down. and this year, i anticipated several changes.
first week of school me and lavina were sitting on the trunk of my car talking about this year. about how it had to be great. about how we had to do something epically stupid while we were still "young and stupid high schoolers" she made the prediction that it would be the year of surprises.
so far...it really is. that sunny evening in what..august? i never thought things would be where they were now. i remember that moment. it was like 7..and we were still in the parking lot!
things were so optimistic then. i never would have guessed that in a month my car would be totalled, and the next month my dog would be put down. ok, so i kind of totally saw the ginger thing coming. but what i didnt see coming..was how much its affecting my dad. some of you know...he's kind of totally lost it. hes going crazy.
theres other things that qualify as surprises as well. my group of friends this year...needless to say, its kind of changed. the only people i've stayed really close to from previous years are emily and lavina. (i cant imagine life w/o you guys.) other than that tho, nothing is quite the same.
another surprise...since when is art and photography not my life?! this year..i just completely lost inspiration. it isnt what it used to be. and i have yet to figure out why. but for some reason it no longer comes naturally but actually requires way more work than it used to and frankly, has become more stressful than enjoyable. it used to calm me down. now its become a source of things to stress over.
i knew i wouldnt see things coming this year. i just didnt know it would be this type of thing that would change so much. idk why i thought i could predict the surprises. seems silly to think about it like that. but in the end...thats basically what it was. i wanted and anticipated surprises, however i wanted to surprise myself rather than having life surprise me. who knows tho. this year really has been a constant of just taking it a day at a time. so far it seems to be working. i've been fairly content all year. despite a few things obviously. but really...i've just gotten really bad at caring about alot of things...

its funny. cuz that used to be exactly what i wanted. i thought it would be so much easier to not care. to not have all these goals and ambitions to live up to. to just...be completely chill with whatever was happening. one thing i found out however, is not really caring, and not having those goals and ambitions, just seems to leave me lost and unsure of myself. not really sure where im going and consequently just going along with basically anything or everything. i can't figure out if i like this newer me i'm discovering or creating. not sure which word fits it best. either way, i suppose with time, i'll be forced to figure it out.

don't look away.

"Have you ever looked at your car window when it was raining and pitch black outside and all the little rain drops are just sitting there. and it looks like a million little stars, right on your window.and it feels like if you look away you'll never see it again and like the world will come to an end, just because you looked away..." - Shannon.

i have. at a constant lately. i feel like i can't look away, because if i do, something else will change or dissappear entirely. and in that split second i look away, i'll miss something huge. things are changing at rapid speeds lately. and as i said before, i'm just watching it, helplessly enjoying the show. maybe the reason i'm not doing anything about it is because i'm afraid in doing something, i'll look away. and im scared to look away. i always have been. i used to try to keep one eye on things while doing something. but now,...my eyes are just glued to the screen, watching the show, i'm in a trance. day to day doing the same thing, not nessicarily stuck on repeat, but not moving forward either. i'm at a standstill. a standstill in which no matter how hard i try to convince myself, i can't bring myself to care about anything i used to. once again, back to that familiar dissallusionment. i was finally out of it. finally doing great...when someone else decided to walk out. over something stupid. i say i dont care. i say it doesnt get to me. i say they're just stupid. i only partially believe it. i do think their stupid. but i do care. and it does get to me....only i don't know what to do this time. i've never been in this situation before. its all new. a turning point. and no one in the audience, not even me, the writer to my script in my show, has any idea as to what's coming next.

the show

"life is a maze and love is the riddle." lenka. you guys may or may not have heard me talk about some of her songs being the story of my life.
lately i really do feel like im in a show. like its just a maze im trying to make my way through. life has pretty much come down to one curve ball after another so to speak. while i'm completely confident everyone is incredibly sick of hearing about it, ever since the car accident...things just keep getting worse. the accident was bad....but what keeps coming next is worse every time. at the same time though, i almost feel like i have absolutely no right to talk about anything thats bothering me..for a few reason. one being because theres alot of people who have WAY more shit to deal with than i do so i feel stupid letting certain things get to me. i feel like i havent earned the privelage to complain about life being one bullshit event to another. at the same time i also am not even entirely sure what i would talk about if someone were to ask me everything thats going on. where would i begin?
i can't even keep track of my life lately it seems. im used to this feeling, trust me, i've learned helplessness all too well. the fact that i've given up so much lately is what bothers me. it bothers me that it doesnt bother me. i've just kind of stopped caring. i recognize myself going in this downward sprial that i know will eventually catch up with me. but right now...im not too concerned. once again like im watching a show. i see me being stupid but its like i dont feel like its really my life, like its really me...and i figure it'll be ok in the end. its like im a character in my own show. i watch it happening..but am under the impression there isnt really a whole lot i can do about it. i know that any day now, the point in the show will come that i decide i want my money back. but its too late. i already bought my ticket and watched half of it...and unfortunately tho show of life doesnt guarentee satisfaction. if anything i've learned it guarentees dissappointment, pain, and dissallusionment.
even in writing this i dont know where im going. of the people i used to tell my life to, only one or two of them are really there anymore. only one has been there and stuck around the ENTIRE TIME. im usually okay with this..but the fact that now, not only am i losing touch, but it doesnt seem im all that good at meeting back up. that was the one thing i used to be semi-good at. i'm horrible at keeping in touch. but i always went back and caught up. this year...im different. i dont have the friends i usually would. i keep finding myself in weird combinations of people that honestly, somehow always ends really awesome which i think is why me losing touch with so many other things in life hasnt been quite as depressing this time around. i've simply given up on trying to make things ideal and how i'd like them to be. seems to be working somehow.

which back to my original thought, is exactly what bothers me. i've changed this year...alot. my passions aren't anything anymore. i dont fight for people. i just get mad and then laugh it off saying they're stupid or whatever. we laugh because it hurts. theres other things..but mainly..i want them back. art and photography used to be my life outside of like..friends and whatnot. it was my escape. my passion in life. if no one was there to talk to and i had time...i could escape by going out and taking pictures or drawing something weird that somehow said how i was feeling. now i've lost that completely. art and photo...arent anything anymore. they used to be all i wanted to do for the rest of my life, which i knew wasnt a good plan. but the point is that now, i wouldnt WANT to if i HAD to.

i've simply lost inspiration...
in more than one way...
hope it comes back to me someday.

Symbolism.

so there i sat at the edge of the stairs, the base of them under water, under the river that had climbed so high since the last time i went down there. Last time was mid summer. it was amazing weather, and the rocks on the riverbank were exposed and dry, my perfect place to think. i would often go there. Today however, the water was high, the stairs partially drowned. The rocks far away, deep under water. the sky was clouded over, dark and cold, whereas before it was blue, sunny, clear.
Kind of like my life.
Things were great then. this summer..it was gonna go by good. well...as we all know..life, doesn't like to cooperate with our plans. Now, the water isn't as nice, things from then have been buried deep under water. i can still see them, they're still there. but only because i know they're there. and because i'm looking. Had i just came to this place, it wouldnt have been that great, i would have left immediately...finding somewhere else..somewhere nicer to go. but no. i have a connection to this place. a memory. an emotion it draws out of me. its a place that makes me relax. makes me think. makes me feel better about everything. its crazy really. just a simple little place many would say is just like another. but no..there's something somewhat special about it. something captivating.
i love it there. it changes with the seasons, but despite it's changes, theres always something great, something calming about it. like when i'm there, nothing else is. the rest fades. the time, if i'm cold or hot, my worries melt and my thoughts wander.
And as it changes, so does life. time goes by, and as things change, so do my reasons for going there. sometimes theres no where else to go. other times..i just want to. sometimes i NEED to. its usually there. sometimes however, i can't get to it. sometimes too much snow or rain will block it off, and i'll be forced to settle with as close as i can get to it...and call that good.
like tonight for example. i sat on the very edge, my feet just on the step right above where the water stopped. thats the thing about it..no matter how difficult and distant and inconveinient to go there it gets...i still find myself there. i can't figure out why, but somehow, i always find my way back.